1. i could turn the grey skies blue, i can make it rain whenever i want it to
2. cant you feel that sunshine telling you to hold tight, things will be alright
3. watch the sunrise, say your goodbyes, off you go
4. You'll be my king, and ill be your castle, no youll be my queen, and ill be youre moat
5. were all here and speaking out in one voice, were gonna rock the house, yeah yeah
6. You said that words can only get you so far, but I've got sentences that cover up all my scars.
7. slice of you, slice of me, get a slice of chris parry
8. I got friends and you got friends, they hop out and you hop in
9. come with me tonight, we could make the night last forever
10. and all of your ways, all of your dreams, they fall on me, falls on me
11. i said hip hop the hippie to the hippie; the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it
12. he taught me how to wash, fight and pray, fight and pray, and live
13. all the girls and the guys on the floor, from the front to the back lets go
14. I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears. You really had me going, wishing on a star but the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
15. If that's your girl you better watch your back Cause she'll burn it up for me and that's a fact
16. live my life, the way, to keep you coming back to me.  Everything I do is for you. So what is it that you can't see
17. You could have flown away a singing bird in an open cage who will only fly, only fly, for freedom
18. we're soaring', flying, there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
19. Take this pink ribbon off my eyes , I'm exposed and it's no big surprise. Don't you think I know exactly where I stand. This world is forcing me to hold your hand
20. But you can't hide standing under these stars they know everything they know where you are




try it.......i really have a pretty random selection up there.

Time Started: 12:19
Name: Jesss
Gender: female

1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and then start the water?
start the water so i dont freeze....excpet at school.

2.) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle?:
alot actually

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial?:
hahaha no but i know people who do

4.) Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?:
acutally i have

5.) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
when we were like 4.

6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
haha no

7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?:
i dont use soap...im a liquid soap person

9.) How old do you act?
depends where i am

10.) What's the last song you heard/sang?:
who knew...pink

11.) Have you recently become a member of anything?
ummm cvs pharmacy woohoo

12.) What are your plans for the weekend?:
ummmm sleeping and working and being excited for camp starting on monday

14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?:
no but i wantt tooo

15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating?:
ive wanted to..but not cause im bulemic becuase i havent felt well

16.) If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?
the captian!

17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut?:
hahah a LESLIE

19). Have you ever smuggled something into America?:
smuggled? idk maybe

20.) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive?
hahaha sure

21.) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?:
ummm i go to uconn....so i live in storrs...and we have an AMAZING basketball team....idk if you heard of them though?

27.) Can you fix your own car?:
i can change a tire

30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?:
No

31.) Have you ever been to jail?:
No

33) Do you like the smell of beer?
i like beer....iu dont smell it...i drink it

34.) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream?:
yeaa

35.) Have you ever given to charity?:
alottt

36.) Would you kill a dog for $1000?
umm no

37.) Do you sometimes get depressed?:
yea

38.) Do you live with your parents?:
only 4 months a year

39.) Do you have plans for your future?:
PHARMACY

You are
[x] short, under 5'4
[ ] 5'4"-5'5"
[ ]5'5"-5'6"
[ ] 5'6.5 - 5'7 ''
[ ] 5'7" - 6'0
[ ] tall 6'1 and up

NATURALLY
[ ] blonde
[ ] redhead
[ ] brunette
[ ] dirty blonde
[x] brownish (that totally describes my hair haha)
[ ] dark brown
[ ] black
[ ] indian red/light brown


[ ] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[ ] black-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel-eyed
[ ] gold/gray-eyed
[ ] silver/gray- eyed
[x] blue/green-eyed
[x] blue/gray-eyed
[ ] brown/yellow-eyed
[x] they change colors

Do you have..
[x] glasses
[ ] contacts
[ ] neither
[ ] both

Your favorite color(s) are?
[ ] jade green
[ ] red
[ ] khaki
[ ] aqua
[ ] pink
[ ] hot pink
[ ] yellow
[ ] black
[x] green
[x] lime green
[x] blue
[x] white
[x] turquoise
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[x] brown
[ ] orange
[x] grey
[ ] fushcia
[ ] maroon
[ ] gold
[x] teal
[ ] clear
[x] bronze
[ ] I don't really care
[ ] I don't believe in favorite colors

Somethings you've done?
[x] ice skating
[x] hiking
[x] kayaking
[ ] rafting
[x] water skiing
[x] horseback riding
[x] bodysurfing and skim boarding
[x] skiing/snowboarding
[x] dancing
[x] skateboarding
[x] cheerleading
[x] lacrosse
[ ] street hockey
[x] gymnastics
[ ] martial arts
[ ] flag/rifle/baton spinning
[x] swimming
[x] wakeboarding


Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[x] shy
[x] funny
[x] serious
[x] laid back
[x] strict
[x] hyper
[x] weird
[ ] ditzy
[x] sarcastic
[ ] slow

The pets you have HAD?
[ ] cat(s)
[x] dog(s)
[ ] lizard(s)
[ ] rat(s)
[ ] ferret(s)
[ ] Bunny(ies)
[x] fish
[ ] duck(s)
[ ] horse(s)
[ ] bird(s)
[ ] frog (s)
[ ] hermit crab
[ ] turtle
[ ] hamster
[ ] snake
[ ] sheep
[ ] gerbil
[ ] guinea pig
[ ] pig
[ ] goat
[ ] chinchilla
[ ] tarantula
[ ] geese
[ ] baby chicks
[ ] none
[ ] hedgehog
[ ] snail
[ ] piranha
[ ] seagull
[ ] newt

Clothing Brands you like?
[ ] Delia's
[x] American Eagle
[x] Hollister
[ ] Buckle
[ ] Abercrombie & Fitch
[x] Target
[ ] Wal-mart
[ ] Wet Seal
[ ] Forever 21
[ ] O'neil
[ ] Pac Sun
[x] Gap
[ ] Banana Republic
[ ] Aeropostale
[ ] Dickies
[ ] Quicksilver
[ ] Ezekiel
[ ] Anchor Blue
[ ] Guess
[ ] Lucky Brand
[ ] Champs
[ ] Salvation army/goodwill/thrift stores
[ ] Old Navy
[ ] other
[x] Victorias secret
[ ] Eddie Bauer
[ ] Hot Topic
[x] Whatever looks good on me/to me

Your confessions:
[ ] I'm afraid of silence
[x] I am really ticklish
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark
[ ] I've collected comic books
[x] I sometimes shut out others
[x] I open up to others TOO easily
[ ] I read the newspaper
[x] I love Disney movies!!
[x] I am a sucker for gorgeous eyes
[ ] I don't kill bugs
[x (unfair...x stands for something] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I bake well
[x] I have worn pajamas to class
[x] I love Martha Stewart
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[x] I play computer games when I'm bored
[x] I have gotten lost in the city
[x] I have gone out in public in my pajamas
[ ] I have made out in an elevator
[ ] I have been skydiving
[ ] I have been bungee jumping
[x] I have bitten someone
[ ] I have dressed up like the opposite sex
[ ] I have egged a house/car
[ ] I have smashed a car
[ ] I have been fired
[x] I have been skinny dipping
[ ] I have been streaking

Have you ever...
[ ] Made out in the rain
[x] Danced in the rain
[x] Seen a shooting star
[ ] Proposed to anyone
[x] Gotten stitches
[x] Eaten Sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[x] Been on a cruise ship
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] been on a Plane by yourself
[x] Had surgery
[ ] Seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[x] Been on stage
[x] Gotten a black eye
[x] Memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] Watched an entire baseball game

Do you like...
[x]old movies
[x] musicals
[x] blasting music in your car
[x] foreign foods
[ ] pokemon
[x] Christmas time
[x] donuts
[x] animals
[ ] coffee
[ ] tea


TWO'S OF EVERY KIND

Two Names You Go By Other Than Your Real Name:
jess and jessie or vick

Two Things That Scare You:
ummmmmm failure andddd failure?

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
hahahaa a yellow towell and a white towell

Two Things You Want in a Relationship other than Real Love:
sense of humor and passion

Two Things that Appeal to You In a Guy/Girl:
sense of humor and activness

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation:
europe and austrila

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now:
CAMP IS MONDAY and cvs @ 3

Two favorite animals:
dogs ans cats

Two Reasons you're doing this survey:
ummmidk just felt like it

Spell your full name without vowels:
jssc lnn vckr

What color(s) do you wear most often?:
ummm i like variety...but i guess green and bliue and brown

Last song heard on the radio?:
snow patrol - chasing cars

What's for dinner tonight?:
some frozen thing or subway depending on what time my break for work is

Are you happy with your life right now?:
certiain yeah very and then others no

Tell me a secret about one of your siblings:
ummmmmm james likes girl shampoo hahah


do you own...

- DIGITAL CAMERA?:
yes

In what state or country do you want to go to school after high school?:
i go to school in the crazy state of connecticut

Do you shop at stores like Hollister, Abercrombie?
i like american eagle

How do you make money?:
cvs pharmacy, house sitting, and summer camp

Last thing you bought OVER 50 dollars?:
ummm over 50...thats steep for a college kid, ummm omg my english books last semester 125 ouchhhh

How's the weather?:
beautiful and im going to work

When do you start summer break?:
i started it may 3rd woohooooo

One word to describe you:
active

Do you own big sunglasses?:
i feel like im not cool enough to wear them

Do you find yourself attractive?
umm getting there

What would you rather be doing right now?
umm being at camp

What should you be doing right now?:
ummm getting ready for work

Who did you hug today?:
dakota

Q: How many beds did you lay in yesterday?:
one

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
omg im not wearing one.

Q: Name 2 things that you do everyday?:
run and work

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?:
like 5 minutes ago

Q: Who got you to join myspace?:
no one...myself?

Q: Is Tom on your friends list?:
nope

Q: Look to your left, whats there?:
A geek squad papers, fan remote, bfhs father daughter dance candle, coral, sand dollars, corsage, cosmo, books about my cell phone, a clay thing i painted anddd a speaker

Q: Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?:
ummmmmmmmm i dont remember

Q: What website do you visit the most?:
students.uconn.edu

Q: Do you have plants in your room?:
dried ones

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?:
my arms a little achy but no complaints really its a good day

Q: Do you own a picture phone?:
heck yes

Q: Recent time you were really upset?:
last night when i got hung up on

time finished:
12:38

so im pretty upset with this new camp situation.
the new boy counslors are juniors in high school. bad move. since when will the older boys listen to anyone let alone someone whos only 3 years older and not that big or intimidating.
oh andd im sorry, since when do we hire high school kids except under special circumstances...those being seth, me, and katy.
i just wanted to have people my own age to work with.
and i should be the assistant director. i have been with that camp as a counselor for 4 summers. ive been there longer then the director. and it used to be seniority...you work youre way up. but apparently if your the directors daughter you get to steal that job from me. thats complete bullshit let me tell you.
im just not looking forward to the camp meeting saturday morning. i dont want camp to change and donna wants to change it. wont work. weve tried change, kids dont like it, i hate it...so no...it will not happen.
have you just ever been so frustrated because the system will just not work in your favor?
im going to be such a punk on saturday because i dont like any of this already.
ill rock a baseball hat and cross the arms.
like i should be damn respected at that camp. and i dont get it. too bad its too good money to give up. and i love the kids too much.
i just want to work with older people
ive always been the youngest...and now im going to be the oldest...like thats crap can i just work with someone my own age? apprently not.
these kids wont last. because they wont be able to control the boys. you know what this means, im going to have the boy groups all summer...the hard boys who are out of freaking control.
i love camp so much and i feel like its being ruined.

cvs is good though. today was a bad day...because i had about a million insurance changes, voids, paper jams, and people just being exhausting. standing and being bubly for 7+ hours is really tiring.

in other news, my family is leaving for the week saturday morning. so at least something good is happening that day.

dad is turning 50 and its fathers day bettwen the saturday and sunday. anddd i wont be there. but its npot a big deal, im not very interested in going to nh for a week. ill take the house to myself.

going to six flads in 7 hours. and of course i cant sleep. this is like de ja vu with the decemeber ski trip with katie. except my parents are being terrible and i dont have a midnight visitor.

i also realized how terrible this summer is really going to be. im work 70-80 hours a week. and im not going anywhere. my high lights are tomorrow and my boirthday weekend. its just so depressing and disheartening. because i have nothing to look forward to. and i know im going to be exhausted every single day and sure ill have tons of money, and it will be worth it one day, but that day seems so far off (that day being our cruise senior spring break).

i really want to just go pull a dawsons creek and wrap myself in a blanket and light a candle and go sit on my dock and stare out into the water. of course i wouldnt have that movie moment of romance but whatev.

you know what else. cvs is begining to make me so stressed out over school. like the more i work there, the more i feel the pressure to get into pharmacy school. that proabbly sounds like im only doing it for other people, which you all know im not, i really truely love pharmacy. but im so scared that im not going to get in and now i have a million other people i am going to be letting down besides myself, my family, my friends. i just want it so bad, like no one could possoibly understand how greatly i want this, more than anything else in the world. i have never felt anything this strong for anything in my life. not family, friends, or running. like i know this is what im meant to do with my life and im so scared im just going to mess it up and its not going to work out. i have failed at so much in my life already, i just need some luck on my side this next academic year.

anyo ne remmeber that real world where johnny says "wow its exhausting just talking to you" and then paula says "yea, can you imagine being me" and thats totally how i feel. i think people see what i want them to see about my life. and they cannot understand the magnitude at which i feel things or how deeply hurt or scarred i am and how deeply i love people.

and im on a diet...ive lost 4 lbs...not a lot, but i only weigh myself on sundays so well see how much furher down i get.as the summer progresses. i really love the plan im on. some days its harder then others though.

ive been getting headaches alot lately and im not sure exactly why. i never get headaches.
and these stroms. killing me. my arm cannot handle the pressure. like the pain is weird, i dont know if you can understand what its like to feel pain in your bone, its so deep, and nothing feels right. my hand goes numb alot more often latley and its tending to biurl a little which is bad news because that ,eans my nerves may be getting pinched. and then theres the shoulder, i think i pop it out when i sleep and do certain things, not like a huge dislocation, but a little bit, and itsbegining to strecth out my rotator cuff.

wow im pretty good at typing in the dark, why i dont have the light on i dont know, just dont feel like going to my door or bed to turn one on.

i havent gone swimming yet. i want to. but theres no time, and the familia is taking the boat with them sense they have a boat slip.

ok i think im tired. so im gonna try to sleep now. good night and thanks for reading i guess.

so this is going to be a big reflection entry.
one year ago today, i and my fellow alums graduated as bishop feehan's class of 2005.

that day seems like it was centuries ago...but at the same exact time, it feels like it was just yesterday.
as bad as things have gotten over the past two years, they have had theyre sweet moments.
bishop feehan. what a school. it was hard going throuhg it, many days spent loathing it and sometimes the people in it, but when you look back now, how many of the bad things do you remember. i was watching everybody loves raymond today. and he was giving a speech at robert and amy's wedding and he was talking about editing memories. and although i still remember all the bad things that occured senior year and periodically throughout high school, i dont really associate them with feehan.
i wish everyone could have a feehan. i wish everyone could have had a class like ours. and i wish our class realized how much we loved each other earlier.
i like how with almost anyone from our class i can run into and have a 20 minute conversation with like no time went by. those are the people that make coming home not so bad.
many college returnees must share the sentiment of not feeling home here anymore. and i am one of those people who CANNOT wait to get back to school, but i live for those moments when it feels like no time has passed.

the 'o5 seniors were seriously the shit. no one can say otherwise. (and everyone knows it, above and below).

i used to say "if i ever say high school is the best years of my life shoot me". im not going to say that exclusively those 4 years were the best of my life. if anything. they began the best years of my life....well at least what i choose to dwell upon from the past.

lifes hard. and i think we all know that first hand, all of us to different severities. but, to quote Elizabethtown (which you should all watch to gt life), "it takes time to extract joy from life".
i mean that is one of the most true things i have ever heard. it just sucks that sometimes you cant realize how great things are until you reflect upon it. and i know right now, any of you who are reading this are probably have some instance running through your head and youre smiling to yourself because youre extracting that joy out of high school. and think about it, if its just been a year, or a day out, imagine how much more joy high school will have caused years down the line.

and know that no matter how seperated we may have become over the year apart, or how little we have, i still love you guys with such a deep passion. you guys all helped me in some way find my self, even though i havent really done that, but just your presence has brought about self discovery and appreiction.

so congrats 'o6 graduates, and i love and miss you all my 'o5 kids.




<3

SPRING WEEKEND IS THE MOST AMAZING EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE. YOU SHOULD ALL BE JEALOUS THAT YOU CAN NOT PARTY WITH 20000 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS IN XLOT, CARRIAGE, OR CELERON. LIKE YOU GUYS DONT EVEN KNOW HOW AMAZING UCONN IS. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I LOVE UCONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. AND SPRING WEEKEND AND I CANT WAIT FOR NEXT YEARRRR. guster and oar were amazing too...although i cant rememeber much of it anymore. anddd i love leslie and julie. the end. hahaha. home in ten days. heres a survey

How am I feeling today?:
"you" - switchfoot --> i feel that

Will I get far in life?:
"behind these hazel eyes" - kelly clarkson....no so sure on that

How do my friends see me?:
"gone" - kelly clarkson ... haha lately yup

Where will I get Married?:
"im just a girl" - no doubt....does that mean no?

What is the story of my life?:
"this photograph is proof" - TBS...soo im gonna get cheated on? excelletn.

What was high school like?:
"for me this is heaven" - JEW...i did love high school

How can I get ahead in life?:
"unknown" - lifehouse......wow good job itunes

What is the best thing about me?:
"every breath you take" - UB40...wow itunes is in love witt me

How is today going to be?:
"dont stop" - fleetwood mac....hahaha wow.

What is in store for this weekend?:
"a praise chorus" - JEW......that kinda makes sense. but not really cause im pretty sure i was drunk all weekend.

What song describes my parents?:
"be the girl" - aslyn....ok?

To describe my grandparents?:
"if i fail" - cartel....noo? this past two questions suk

How is my life going?:
"ill cover you" - rent .... cute

What song will they play at my funeral?:
"closer to frre" - bodeans....this would actually be great at a funeral...cause i want a fun funeral. no crying.

How does the world see me?:
"we belong togehter" - gavin, so i guess i make sense in this world huh?

Will I have a happy life?:
"the hero dies in this one" - the ataris....at least ill be a hero

What do my friends really think of me?:
"ill stand by you" - the pretenders...i will stand by them

Do people secretly lust after me?:
"move along" - all american rejects .... so does that mean no?

How can I make myself happy?:
"built this way" .... wowwww itunes is seriously speaking to my soul

What should I do with my life?:
"love and memories" - OAR....I FEEL THAT!!!!

Will I ever have children?:
"defying gravity" does that mean ill have trouble having kids?

What is some good advice for me?:
"more to life"...geezzzz this is a crazy survey for me

How will I be remembered?:
"journey to the past" - allyiah

What is my signature dancing song?:
"collide" i do like to dance to slow songs by myself

What do I think my current theme song is?:
"best of me" starting line /.....I FELL THATT TOO

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
"almost perfect" - ingram hill...aww thats sweet

What type of men do I like?:
"you had a bad day"...that means i love the boys who live above julie and leslie hhahahah

thats the last time i make the first move ever.



and im so over matts (yea....plural)




and being single....although its looking like im going to be forever

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says. "where p and q are polynomials is called a rational function"
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? nothing at all
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? american idol is on now
4. Without looking, guess what time it is. 8:45
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 8:53....closee
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? tv and my fridge which is working again
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? umm around 6 and i was going to grab n go for dinner
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? LJ friends page
9. What are you wearing? lacrosse tshirt, black nike shorts, oragne old school weathervane sweatshirt and feehan sandals
10. Did you dream last night? If so, what did you dream? no
11. When did you last laugh? in math class, because chris loves to make comments to my idiot TA
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? bulletin boards, posters, pictures, calender
13. Seen anything weird lately? it's college. i see something weird every day. <-- sooo trueeee
14. What do you think of this quiz? i should be studying for my chem exam
15. What is the last film you saw? in the theaters
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? go to europe with my friends
17. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. ummmm i have falling arches haha
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? world hunger
19. Do you like to dance? with one hand waving free
20. George Bush. not my favorite, but better than kerry
21. Imagine your first child is a girl. What do you call her? Layla or Meaghan
22. Imagine your first child is a boy. What do you call him? Eamon
23. Would you ever consider living abroad? im working for phizer in france duh
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? good job.

Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle.
Say the following questions aloud, and press play.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
NO CHEATING.

How does the world see me?:
I kiss a drunk girl - soco (HAHAHA)

Will I have a happy life?:
almost - bowling for soup ... okk

What do my friends really think of me?:
in this life- Chantal K

Do people secretly lust after me?:
Life is a Highway - Tom Petty

How can I make myself happy?
Take me away - Fefe Dobson ( i guess i should run then haha)

What should I do with my life?
without you - rent (ummmmm.....doesnt work)

Will I ever have children?:
such great hieghts- postal service

What is some good advice for me?:
time after time (acuostic) - avril

How will I be remembered?:
real world - matchbox 20

What is my signature dancing song?:
i take my chances - Mary CHapin Carpenter ( haha worrksss so well)

What do I think my current theme song is?:
one short day - wicked

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
reachh - caleigh peters

What song will play at my funeral?:
growing pains theme aww

What type of men/women do you like?:
gone - NSync (ROFLMAO)

What is my day going to be like?:
no sleep tonight - faders (i wont be...thats right)



----

in other news, im going to court. thanks. haha.

off to pack up the car and head back to UConn in a few hours.

so its been a while.

things are pretty good.

school is super hard. but i got a grip on it. although i really fell behind this weekend. stupid me. ill catch up.
had my first exam of the semester last friday. think i did well. but i dont want to think about it. ya know.
physucks test on thursday. really scared for that. but i can do it, right? RIGHT.
my mom came to visit me this weekend. and she bought me food. and fruit, but my fruit froze is my fridge, how much does that sucks, so it tastes terrible now which is so depressing.
and to add to the depression paul anka died tonight. very sad. had to flush him. i miss him already. ill get another one, he can be paul anka 2.
so i should be editing a paper and doing my physics homework which are both due tomorrow. but i might just do it douring the day tomorrow. cause im tired and i have to get up for my 9 am calc lecture. which could be cancelled? thatd be super cool.
saw bob saget last tuesday. dirty dirty old man. but HILARIOUS. he was worth ten bucks. glad i didnt wear my glases cause i dont associate him with danny tanner as much as i would have
saw rent last night. SOOOOO goood. in love with it.
sooo another valentines day with no valentine. i guess thats ok. going out for ashleys brithday. not what i want to do at all.like at all.
not rooming with her next year since im now gonna room with MJ. have to tell her im not living with her. but shes sensitive so i have to do it the correct way. haha but i will not live with her next year. since she sprobably not coming back anyway, and i cant deal with her like not working and complaing and being the fucking neediest person EVER.
so whatelse.
im wasting my time. haha.
i miss matt. alot. but i dont want to miss him. stupid emotions haha.
didnt run today cause of the blizzard and runUC was cancelled. but i will tomorrow dammit.
i love taye diggs and Idenia Medzel (or however you spell her name).
i dyed my hair again. its looks goooooood. lesley and julie love it haha. and niele liked it too.
haha i want my own cute jewish boy. julie and i have discussed this haha.
welll im super tired so i might just go to bed maybe ill correct a little more of my paper before that. likeeeeim fucked. haha. well not really. no chem problem set so its a little chill this week. chem takes up sooo much of my life.
gosh i forgot i have to write a physics lab report. a lab report. thats crap. chem doesnt have them which makes it pretty sweet.
i love the olypmics. theyre my favorite haha.

ssooo im gonna work a little of my english paper or physics and then goooo to sleeeeep and then up early to check if morning classes are canceled. fingers crossed. if i was still in high school i wouldnt have school. booooo for being in college. at least i have boots so i can get around campus without being completely


FIGHT AIDS.

thank you and good night.

were done.

major rant ahead. so youve been forewarned.


im just so frustrated and upset. and its about, who else, matt. like im so upset that he lied to me. why would you promise to call so many times and not do it? its just soo frustarting.

you dont pick up your phone, dont respond to anything i send to you. what am i supposed to do? like what? am i supposed to go on pause and wait until we speak again.

i want to call you. i want to call you and just yell at you. and just make you listen. even though you know EVERYTHING on my mind. you know everything. you know what im thinking. you know im pissed and you know why i want to talk to you.

im scared to move on. cause i know, I KNOW that once i get in a relationship youll want back in my life and youll want to be with me again. which we all know that if you said you wanted to be with me, i wouldnt know what to do. i dont want to be put in the position where i have to chose between you and someone else. because i know i would hurt that person. cause i know i would give it up to be with you. and the fact that i know you would put me in the position pisses me off.

you have no rigth to put me in this position.

i just wish that you would do something.

i know youre afraid of this conversation. so am i. because what if this is something real. what if we screw up and were done forever. i dont want to live with not knowing.

do you kiss all youre exgirlfriends whenever you see them? im not thinking so.



haha sorry if you had to read this and dont get it. but i need to say it even if its to no one.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99.
Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience... I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh, nevermind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked. You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real toubles in life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind the blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday

Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.

Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you suceed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.... Whatever you do, don't congratulate
yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can... don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it... it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance... even if you have nowhere else to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines they will only make you feel UGLY.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through.
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there.
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there for you.
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they might be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; They're your best link to your past, and the people most likely to stick with you in the future

Understand that friends come and go, except for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but, leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, Politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Brother and sister together we'll make it through.
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there.
I know you've been hurting, but I've been waiting to be there for you.
And I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can.

Everybody's free. Everybody's free.

this town, this house.  is suffocating.

i dont belong here.  and in all seriousness.  with all my heart i come back here for so little.

i come back to this town for matthew harper, for wrentham recreation, and the few people from bishop feehan high school who are close to my heart.

i dont have connection to my parents.  my dad. i mean i dont know where to start with that. he really broke my heart last night.  and in all honesty i do not plan to be with him at any point in time unless i have to.  my mom, she tries, i know she tries, but she doesnt understand.  what bothers me the most is that my dad is the only person i would see normally would understand.

im becoming like him. that scares me. i dont want to be him.  i dont want to hurt people like he has hurt people.  that is my biggest obstacle in life.

i have depression.  its a fact.  i have the tendencies.  i have been overwhelmingly sad for the past year and a half.  like no matter how good things get, i just cant be happy.  but i dont want to be diagnosed, because that makes me like him. ive seen what the drugs can do, they can help, but they make you worse in the end.

 

it seems like no matter how many times anyone says they love me, or think im awesome.  it doesnt help.

i look in the mirror and i dont know who im looking at.  im just empty.  void.  i dont recognize myself. my dreams are collapsing.  and nothing has gone well in the past year and a half.  im in physical pain everyday, knees, feet, arm, neck, back.  but you know its so much better then emotional pain.  because you can control physical pain.  it can make you forget for a little bit how much life hurts.  like im not saying i cut myself or whatever, i mean like running, and stuff like that (healthy physical pain).

like when oim running.  i feel like if i can just keep going, go a little faster, dont look back, and just keep my legs moving, and my arms pumping, and my feed hitting the ground that i can escape, even if it is just for 30 minutes.

i love emily thomas, because she has always kept in touch with me.  and she knows what i mean with all the running stuff. so gets my brain.
i love meaghan elizabeth casey, because she knows everything and doesnt necessary have advice for the situation, but knows how sometimes all you need is someone to spill your guts to.
i love meg elias, because she is the same person as me.
i love kazimera morse, because she takes her time for me, and she and i own the slopes
i love my brother, despite everything that he is so much better at then me, he respects me, and hes stands with me in this family life.
i love my track girls, because they may not talk to me all the time, but i know when i see them that theyll be extremely excited and give me a huge hug.
i love my high school coaches, because they may not know everything that happened, but they pushed me, i need that, i need someone with faith in me, and someone who will remember me
 i love alot of people besides those specifics, but im too frazlled to get them down.

but lastly.
i love matt.  because he knows me, inside and out.  he shows up when it matters, even if its midnight, to sit and not even say a word.  hes is like the largest reason i have for coming back here, if he wants to be with me or not.  becuase i dont know life without him.  no matter how many people say thhat hes not good enough or whatever.  he is. he really is.  hes too good for me really.  hes been through everything.  and no matter how long we go without talking, he pops back into my life when something is inevitably going terribly terribly wrong.  thats why when i tell him everything, i still cant let him go, because as lame as it sounds, i need that best friend.  that boy next door who steals me away on summer nights and who used to play on the playground with me back in the day. that boy that knows what im going to do or say before i do it.  the one who will just sit and hold my hand when things get tough.  even if things dont work out, they will.  because hes my oldest best friend.

 

im going to lay down because my back is in some serious pain.  as are my knees and shins from boarding today.

 

so some food for thought. i feel better after writing this.  but reeally.  by the end i came to a revelation.  and im a little calmer, and not so teary-eyed. oh how fickle livejournal can be

1. bring up my grades and get at least one A in calc, physics, or chem. NO Cs!
2. find a good second summer job at a resturant
3. get a job on campus for the spring semester
4. run a marathon over the summer (ties into the whole getting back into shape)
5. spend less money, save more
6. open up to people
7. go out more
8. make new friends
9. strengthen arm/shoulder
10. less doctor visits
11. stop dwelling on the past and thinking about what couldve been


most important ones:
12. try to be happier
13. get off the gas
14. let things happen and know that you cant always fix them
15. love deeply.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? graduate from high school, told someone i loved them, went to college, went to europe, worked a full summer of camp, gotten a low gpa haha

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
last year i just wished for things to be better. and i guess in a way they are a little bit.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
ava lilly memmelaar was born a week before my birthday (my cousin)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank God

5. What countries did you visit?
France, Spain, and Germany (for like an hour)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
to run track again, to get a higher gpa, to get matthew.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
janurary 1st - day i decided to go to uconn
march - echo
senior cruise, class day, graudation
eurotrip
camp..all of it

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i guess graduating

9. What was your biggest failure?
my gpa haha

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
of course, stress fracture, some pulls and shit, but its ok.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
m plane ticket to europe haha

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
seniors oh five

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
no names, but i think we all know who disappointed me greatly

14. Where did most of your money go? europe, clothes, college

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
graduation, europe, college

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"hold my hand"; "elias"; "im just a girl"; anything from wicked; anything from aston and riverside

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? equal
ii. richer or poorer? MOST DEFINATLY POORER
iii. fatter or skinnier? ugh fattter, but not by much

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
gone out

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
cried haha

20. How did you spend Christmas?
christmas eve we had the annual party, it was actually a lot of fun this year, and it ended perfectly

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
i fell in love long before 2005

23. How many one-night stands?
haha not sex, but a make out one hahaha

24. What was your favorite TV program?
gilmore girlssss

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i dont hate anyone, i just dont understand some people

26. What was the best book you read?
wicked; catalyst cause its my life in book form

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? wicked

28. What did you want and get? to go to uconn

29. What did you want and not get? a 3.0

30. What was your favorite film of this year? harry potter 4, sisterhood of the travelling pants

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turened 18, and i had a party at camp, and that was about it

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
matt

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
american eagle and uconn apperal haha and track clothes of course

34. What kept you sane? running, meaghan casey and molly huyett, my track kids, and my firendddsss

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? i always have and always will love matt damon

36. What political issue stirred you the most? ummmmmmmm not sure

37. Who did you miss? meaghan casey, anyone in track, feehan in gernal, matt, my dogs haha

38. Who was the best new person you met? dont have a best person, but my O group was amazing qand still is

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: "get off the gas"

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: gosh impossible, i have something for everything.
but...
"heart dont fail me now/courage dont desert me/dont turn back now that were here"


And now for my new favorite quote:


"youre braver then you believe, stronger then you seem, and smarter then you think" - christopher robin

i worte out this long thing....but it all comes down to this:


everything i plan falls apart.

oh my god. i just want to scream. and flip out. but i cant because im fucking trapped in connecticut, being witheld by cows.

i just need to get out of here. get some perspective. get some love.

im soooooooooooooooooo sick of everything. fucking school. fucking roommates. fucking people in relaitonships. egrnfejhvbyqeruoivq.

i am just freaking out.

oh and im typing in the dark because ashley has a headache and GOD forbid i have my DESK LAMP on so that i can typ of study. i mean i do have ANOTHER exam today @ 6, i already had one today and ive already had 2 others. and im sorry that your three exams cripple you with a headache. your 3 exams that arent even hard. your 3 exams that make you not a full college student with 11 credits. your 3 exams that dont even compare to one biology exam. your three exams that you didnt start to study for until yesterday wheras ive been studying for, well lets see 2 weeks. you couldve been studying. but know you want sympathy. because poor you, you have two exams left.


dont give me shit. NO ONE has ANYTHING on me until you take what i took this semester and will take next semester. i think id kill her if she didnt go home every weekend.

ugh and whta is it with people in relationships like flauting them to people without them. and them telling you that its going to be ok oull find someone and be happy they like they are some day. FUCKKKKK YOUUU. i would pull the shit that you pull. guys should like me cause im not suck a fucking needy person and i have a fucking ambition besides being a stay at home mom.

like seriously why are you in college.

and stop telling me how i should deal with matt. like serously you have never met him and you dont know us. dont tell me i cant see him over break and that if i do i should make out with him or anything. if i feel the need to ake out with him....DAMMIT I WILL. and iu could really use a good makeout session. like woah.

OMG I HATE SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

i just want to get the fuck out of connecticut. i hate finals cause they make you feel like your the dumbest shit ever. and ebven when you know what you want to do and still want to do it. i have a feeling i might be told i cant do it. and like AHHH

i want to cry scream and laugh all at the same time. because my life is a mess and connecticut is suffocating me.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo my parting words.

those of you at feehan. stay. never leave.]
fuck school. fuck roomates. fuck connecticut.


thank you.


*disclaimer: i still love uconn just not the stupid shit that happens at colleges across the country

ok. so this is downright crazy. i interepted my dream with a dream dictionary and its fresaky.

so let me lay it down for you.

last saunday night --> monday morning. i had this dream.

so im at uconn. i swear everyone i have ever met was there. so we go to this waterpark accross campus (cause you know we have that on campus) you know the type with the huge slides and everything.
------
waterslides - To dream that you are on or see a waterslide, suggests that you are being swept away by your emotions. You are slowly exploring the realm of your unconscious
-------

so were there. and matts there with me. and we decide to go back to my dorm. so we decideto bike back. so we start biking though this "shortcut" which happens to be these like ancient ruins in the jungle. and were being chased. and i keep falling off my bike and getting stuck on rocks. and matt stopped to help me up. then i woke up

----
bike - To dream that you are riding a bicycle, signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own
----
jungle - To dream that you are in a jungle, signifies aspects of yourself and your personality that may have been inhibited
----
ancient ruins - To see ancient ruins in your dream, signifies the absence of a friend. You will experience a note of sadness in your travels.
----
being chased - To dream that you are being chases, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity
----


the insanity of the accuracy.

-To every girl who is looking for true love.
-To every girl that is herself no matter what.
-To every girl that dresses cute not skanky
-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.
-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you.
-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead.
-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are.
-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.
-To every girl that wont settle for the jerk.
-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.
-To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.
-To every girl that wont get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.
-To every girl that just wants to holds hands.
-To every girl that kisses him with meaning.
-To every girl who just wishes he cared.
-To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when she's cold.
-To every girl who just wants him to call.
- to every girl who wastes her day waiting by the phone.
-To every girl that just wants to cuddle.
-To every girl that just wants to sleep (and not have sex) with him.
-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.
-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one.
-To every girl that believes in her dreams.
-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.
-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does think it is funny.
-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.
-To every girl that gave her heart only to have it shoved back in her face.